The roar escaping from John fills the air of the library like a buzzsaw with a loose bearing. The veins on his neck stick out like miniature sleeping policemen, or cord pulls; his good eye bulges almost out of his head. Blood weeps from cracks in the blackened side of his face.
The Borrowers pause. The sound John is making keeps them at bay, it interferes with their thinking, like that earlier noise.
The pink cardigan draped over his shoulders flutters, cape-like, for a moment.
Arms poised in mid-throw, the Borrowers jostle and quake, transfixed by the apparition in front of them.
John steps forward, still screaming, and smites the nearest Borrower with Google Search and Rescue for Dummies. The Borrower falls to the ground and does not move. The horde step back in as one.
Pulling his arm back, John stops roaring and draws breath.
The Borrowers press forward once more.
The lift chimes as the doors open.
"Get back on the other side of the pigging counter!" barks Bob, "This is a Staff Only area!"
Bob hurls a large print edition of the RHS Plant Finder like a shot put, taking out two more.
Rosalyn pushes the book trolley out of the lift uttering a high pitched ululation like a demonic smoke alarm.
John begins to roar once more, and smashes another Borrower to the ground, taking another out another one on the upswing.
The Roar and the Ululation combine into a intestine-trembling, kneecap-shaking, eardrum-rattling lightning ball of noise.
The Borrowers quake in terror. John smites and smashes with Google Search and Rescue for Dummies. Rosalyn rams the book trolley into Borrower shins. Bob grits his teeth and throws tomes into the the mob with straining muscles.
Garry and Katerina cover their ears.
The Borrowers begin to retreat.
Showing posts with label Bob. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bob. Show all posts
66: The Lingering Smell Of Sellotape
This chapter was submitted by Michael Frearson. Good work, Michael.
Rosalyn has a plan. She abandoned Garry up there, up there alone to fight their battle. Alone with Bob and Katerina and John. But Rosalyn knows what it’s like to be abandoned, rejected, left behind. She knows how that feels, and it feels like trying to play table tennis with only one player. And Rosalyn won’t do that to Garry. She’s going to be his hero, just as Garry is hers.
The basement holds no sanctuary anymore. Under the cold fluorescent strip lights everything looks plastic and lifeless. It used to be a living, breathing world, with green hair ribbons and red leather gloves. Now it’s just a poorly ventilated storage room with broken glass all over the floor.
Rosalyn shunts a wasted monitor off a wheeled computer desk and pulls it out from the wall. She drags it over to the book maze. The walls of the book maze are over six feet high. There must be enough ammunition down here to hold out for an entire weekend – perhaps even a bank holiday. There are some really flimsy volumes at the top, like individual Shakespeare plays, but down at the foundation lie the behemoths like The Complete Works, the original 1606 King James Bible and The Complete Illustrated Lord of the Rings. Rosalyn topples the wall and begins to load the desk.
She doesn’t hear the lift chime. She doesn’t hear the whine of the doors as they slide open. She doesn’t hear Bob’s tentative footstep on the concrete floor.
She hears Bob say ‘Rosalyn?’ in a long forgotten sort of way and she pauses mid-stack. ‘Rosalyn, I –’
She resumes her task. Heroes remain calm under pressure. Heroes maintain focus.
‘Rosalyn, I – will you stop what you’re doing and listen to me?’ Bob reaches out for her shoulders, but Rosalyn shrugs him off with a grunt. The computer desk is almost full.
‘Rosalyn, please, I…I came down here to apologise…I mean I should have done it years ago, I know, I just…I’m not very good at this…’
Rosalyn looks up and grips the edge of the computer desk. She begins to wheel it towards Bob, who takes a couple of steps back. Then a couple more.
‘Rosalyn, what on earth are you doing? Don’t you understand, I’m trying to…I’m trying to –’ Bob takes another step back and is in the lift, with its unfamiliar hum and mysterious lingering odour of sellotape. Rosalyn continues wheeling the book-laden computer desk into the lift, forcing Bob against the back wall.
‘Bob,’ she says, ‘that’s ancient history. Forget about that now, and help me win this war.’
‘Right,’ says Bob, as the lift doors shudder closed. Then, ‘That’s pigging right, m’lady,’ he says, tipping an imaginary hat.
A faint growl begins to sound just before the lift doors open. Bob springs astride the computer trolley, gripping onto the edge with his left hand and brandishing The Norton Anthology of English Literature, Second Edition in his right. Rosalyn is poised behind, ready to charge.
The lift chimes as the doors open.
The growl becomes a roar.
Rosalyn has a plan. She abandoned Garry up there, up there alone to fight their battle. Alone with Bob and Katerina and John. But Rosalyn knows what it’s like to be abandoned, rejected, left behind. She knows how that feels, and it feels like trying to play table tennis with only one player. And Rosalyn won’t do that to Garry. She’s going to be his hero, just as Garry is hers.
The basement holds no sanctuary anymore. Under the cold fluorescent strip lights everything looks plastic and lifeless. It used to be a living, breathing world, with green hair ribbons and red leather gloves. Now it’s just a poorly ventilated storage room with broken glass all over the floor.
Rosalyn shunts a wasted monitor off a wheeled computer desk and pulls it out from the wall. She drags it over to the book maze. The walls of the book maze are over six feet high. There must be enough ammunition down here to hold out for an entire weekend – perhaps even a bank holiday. There are some really flimsy volumes at the top, like individual Shakespeare plays, but down at the foundation lie the behemoths like The Complete Works, the original 1606 King James Bible and The Complete Illustrated Lord of the Rings. Rosalyn topples the wall and begins to load the desk.
She doesn’t hear the lift chime. She doesn’t hear the whine of the doors as they slide open. She doesn’t hear Bob’s tentative footstep on the concrete floor.
She hears Bob say ‘Rosalyn?’ in a long forgotten sort of way and she pauses mid-stack. ‘Rosalyn, I –’
She resumes her task. Heroes remain calm under pressure. Heroes maintain focus.
‘Rosalyn, I – will you stop what you’re doing and listen to me?’ Bob reaches out for her shoulders, but Rosalyn shrugs him off with a grunt. The computer desk is almost full.
‘Rosalyn, please, I…I came down here to apologise…I mean I should have done it years ago, I know, I just…I’m not very good at this…’
Rosalyn looks up and grips the edge of the computer desk. She begins to wheel it towards Bob, who takes a couple of steps back. Then a couple more.
‘Rosalyn, what on earth are you doing? Don’t you understand, I’m trying to…I’m trying to –’ Bob takes another step back and is in the lift, with its unfamiliar hum and mysterious lingering odour of sellotape. Rosalyn continues wheeling the book-laden computer desk into the lift, forcing Bob against the back wall.
‘Bob,’ she says, ‘that’s ancient history. Forget about that now, and help me win this war.’
‘Right,’ says Bob, as the lift doors shudder closed. Then, ‘That’s pigging right, m’lady,’ he says, tipping an imaginary hat.
A faint growl begins to sound just before the lift doors open. Bob springs astride the computer trolley, gripping onto the edge with his left hand and brandishing The Norton Anthology of English Literature, Second Edition in his right. Rosalyn is poised behind, ready to charge.
The lift chimes as the doors open.
The growl becomes a roar.
64: The Thin Grey Line
“Bob! Bob, get back here!”
Garry’s yells echo back to him from the closing lift doors, and Bob’s apologetic face disappears from view just as volume four of the Encyclopedia Britannica bounces against the metal, leaving a nasty dent.
“Shit.”
Garry rips open another linguaphone set, flinging the CDs at the approaching tide of Borrowers. One disc finds its mark, dropping the Borrower to the floor, but the others defend themselves by using books as shields.
“Shit”, Garry curses through clenched teeth, “they’re learning.”
He ducks as volume five of the Encyclopedia Britannica tumbles end over end, like an ungainly tomahawk, through the space where his head had just been. The chanting grows louder; filling his ears and rattling his ribs, urging his buckling knees to carry him to a place far away from here. Garry wishes he had enough Clingfilm to cover all the borrowers, to seal them up and contain them, to prevent them spreading their anger and violence and germs any further.
Garry picks up the Encyclopedia and hurls it back at the mob, taking out two Borrowers, falling like skittles.
“Katerina!”
Katerina’s blond head peeks over her barricade, her eyes wide with fear. John’s singed head is just visible, still buried between Katerina’s breasts. Garry looks at John’s trembling head and thinks: at least someone is in a good place right now.
“Get out of here! I’ll hold them off for as long as I can, go downstairs, anywhere!” Garry hurls a selection of hardback Asterix books at the advancing horde to little effect. Katerina nods, and begins to drag John towards the lift, heavy reference books crashing around them like literary cannonballs.
Garry turns back towards the Borrowers to see them push his barricade out of the way, their ink-stained, germ-riddled hands reaching out towards him. Snatching up a returns trolley, he pushes them back with it, feeling a satisfying crunch as the corner of the trolley connects with a knee. Then they are all around him and the smell of Scotch eggs fills his nostrils as everything goes dark.
Garry’s yells echo back to him from the closing lift doors, and Bob’s apologetic face disappears from view just as volume four of the Encyclopedia Britannica bounces against the metal, leaving a nasty dent.
“Shit.”
Garry rips open another linguaphone set, flinging the CDs at the approaching tide of Borrowers. One disc finds its mark, dropping the Borrower to the floor, but the others defend themselves by using books as shields.
“Shit”, Garry curses through clenched teeth, “they’re learning.”
He ducks as volume five of the Encyclopedia Britannica tumbles end over end, like an ungainly tomahawk, through the space where his head had just been. The chanting grows louder; filling his ears and rattling his ribs, urging his buckling knees to carry him to a place far away from here. Garry wishes he had enough Clingfilm to cover all the borrowers, to seal them up and contain them, to prevent them spreading their anger and violence and germs any further.
Garry picks up the Encyclopedia and hurls it back at the mob, taking out two Borrowers, falling like skittles.
“Katerina!”
Katerina’s blond head peeks over her barricade, her eyes wide with fear. John’s singed head is just visible, still buried between Katerina’s breasts. Garry looks at John’s trembling head and thinks: at least someone is in a good place right now.
“Get out of here! I’ll hold them off for as long as I can, go downstairs, anywhere!” Garry hurls a selection of hardback Asterix books at the advancing horde to little effect. Katerina nods, and begins to drag John towards the lift, heavy reference books crashing around them like literary cannonballs.
Garry turns back towards the Borrowers to see them push his barricade out of the way, their ink-stained, germ-riddled hands reaching out towards him. Snatching up a returns trolley, he pushes them back with it, feeling a satisfying crunch as the corner of the trolley connects with a knee. Then they are all around him and the smell of Scotch eggs fills his nostrils as everything goes dark.
63: This isn't War, it's Love.
Bob doesn't feel right. It isn't the War taking place all around him. It isn't the fact that he is clearly Past His Peak and is probably going to be required to engage in hand to hand combat. It isn't that the Health and Safety Bint is probably going to turn up any second and Have A Field Day. It isn't even Garry, who is laughing and throwing whatever he can get his hands on over the top of the table and looking like he's having a Pigging Good Time.
All right. It is partly Garry. Beside him, Bob feels somehow shrivelled.
But mainly, it is Rosalyn. Now she's gone, there's a strange feeling in his chest. Not quite his chest. More the top of his stomach. He opens a Linguaphone set and flings the CDs over the table like Frisbees. There are some satisfying squeals and splattering sounds that let him know he's made contact, but it isn't pleasing him.
What's that feeling? It can't be indigestion - he skipped dinner and never managed to get his Creatine shake.
Shit, Bob thinks, it's pigging guilt. That's what it is.
'Garry,' Bob says, and pushes the rest of the CDs into his hands, 'I've got to get down to the Basement. Can you cover me?'
Garry is panting, throwing books out like there's no tomorrow. Bob is impressed with his aim, his flair, his system. He answers without taking his eyes from the targets.
'You're not going down there, amigo. She's mine, and as soon as I get this clear,' Garry slices five CDs through the air and takes two borrowers down, 'I'm going to get her.'
'Course she's yours,' Bob says, 'but there's something I need to tell her. Man to man. An apology.'
'Is this really the time?' That's Katerina. John has buried his face in her chest. He is howling. He's either really, really pleased, or really, really frightened. Katerina ducks now and again, while patting his back.
'Don't think I can spare you, partner,' Garry says, 'they'll breach this line if you leave it.'
Bob stands behind the table. The borrowers are advancing. For every one they manage to lay out, there seem to be five more to take his place. All chanting. But Rosalyn is down there, down in the dark. And Bob knows he needs to make things right with her. It could be his last chance.
'Sorry Garry,' Bob says, and throws himself to the floor.
He crawls on his belly towards the lift. It's an elementary move - first thing they teach you in the TA. But there were gaps in his Basic Training. Matters of the Heart. They should have had a module on that, but it was never covered. How to be a gentleman. How to turn down someone's advance nicely.
Love isn't the same as war, just like books and DVDS are two different things and have different cataloguing systems, Bob realises. Hearts. Perhaps there is a book in the library about it, but for now, he's going to get down to the Basement and Be A Man.
61: Breaking Out The Big Guns
The sound goes: stomp stomp shuffle stomp.
Rosalyn is the first to hear it, her ears twitching under her mass of hair. All that time in the dark has made her hearing fantastic. She can hear things that are normally inaudible to the human ear. She can sniff out things, too. And the smell in the air is one of impending violence, of too much testosterone and pent up aggression. And it is getting closer.
The stomp stomp shuffle stomp becomes a swarming mass of bodies. They are coming through into the Staff Only area, into that sacred space where books are catalogued and tagged and barcoded, and where the under-appreciated frontline staff can take some respite from the screaming hordes by tapping quietly on keyboards and worshipping at the altar of Dewey. But The Borrowers have crossed that magical line. It can only mean one thing: WAR.
‘What the pig?’ says Bob, puffing out his chest.
Katerina looks around for Linda. Linda would know what to do, which rules had been broken, which bye-laws had been contravened, and she would sort these Borrowers out with a few short sentences. But Linda is still off on the mission with Mike, and as Katerina realises this, her heart sinks.
‘What’s going on?’ Garry asks. ‘Do you think they’re angry about being cooped up in here all day?’
‘No. This is something else entirely.’ Katerina whispers.
‘No Petition Will Right This Wrong!!’ comes the chant. It is repeated over and over until it fills the entire room and starts rebounding off the walls. Rosalyn squeals and runs into the lift, disappearing back down into her subterranean world. Garry is not quick enough to follow her. He turns to The Borrowers, angry now.
‘Get out of here!’ he yells. The first missile hits him square in the chest. It is a book of Monet’s paintings. It is two inches thick, and even though it is a paperback, it still manages to knock the wind out of Garry. It is a warning shot.
‘Oi!’ grunts Bob, and he is greeted with Wendy Richards’ biography smacking into his shoulder. Picking it up, Bob mutters ‘I’ll give you My Life Story!’ before hurling it back into the midst of grunting, seething Borrowers. In unison, Bob and Garry sweep everything off Bob’s desk and up-end it, taking cover behind the wooden frame. Katerina pushes John to the floor and crouches down next to him. She wonders where his fighting spirit has gone. Can’t he see there are books being damaged? John just holds his knees and rocks like Arthur Fowler did when he stole the Christmas Club money. Katerina wonders if she should invoke Google. That would get John fighting again. But twice in one day? John has never had to deal with Google twice in one day before. They could lose him forever. It would have to be a last, absolutely final resort.
More books come flying over their heads. The brick-like Whitaker’s catches the leg of the desk and slams loudly to the floor.
‘This is getting pigging serious now,’ says Bob. ‘They’re breaking out the big guns.’
Rosalyn is the first to hear it, her ears twitching under her mass of hair. All that time in the dark has made her hearing fantastic. She can hear things that are normally inaudible to the human ear. She can sniff out things, too. And the smell in the air is one of impending violence, of too much testosterone and pent up aggression. And it is getting closer.
The stomp stomp shuffle stomp becomes a swarming mass of bodies. They are coming through into the Staff Only area, into that sacred space where books are catalogued and tagged and barcoded, and where the under-appreciated frontline staff can take some respite from the screaming hordes by tapping quietly on keyboards and worshipping at the altar of Dewey. But The Borrowers have crossed that magical line. It can only mean one thing: WAR.
‘What the pig?’ says Bob, puffing out his chest.
Katerina looks around for Linda. Linda would know what to do, which rules had been broken, which bye-laws had been contravened, and she would sort these Borrowers out with a few short sentences. But Linda is still off on the mission with Mike, and as Katerina realises this, her heart sinks.
‘What’s going on?’ Garry asks. ‘Do you think they’re angry about being cooped up in here all day?’
‘No. This is something else entirely.’ Katerina whispers.
‘No Petition Will Right This Wrong!!’ comes the chant. It is repeated over and over until it fills the entire room and starts rebounding off the walls. Rosalyn squeals and runs into the lift, disappearing back down into her subterranean world. Garry is not quick enough to follow her. He turns to The Borrowers, angry now.
‘Get out of here!’ he yells. The first missile hits him square in the chest. It is a book of Monet’s paintings. It is two inches thick, and even though it is a paperback, it still manages to knock the wind out of Garry. It is a warning shot.
‘Oi!’ grunts Bob, and he is greeted with Wendy Richards’ biography smacking into his shoulder. Picking it up, Bob mutters ‘I’ll give you My Life Story!’ before hurling it back into the midst of grunting, seething Borrowers. In unison, Bob and Garry sweep everything off Bob’s desk and up-end it, taking cover behind the wooden frame. Katerina pushes John to the floor and crouches down next to him. She wonders where his fighting spirit has gone. Can’t he see there are books being damaged? John just holds his knees and rocks like Arthur Fowler did when he stole the Christmas Club money. Katerina wonders if she should invoke Google. That would get John fighting again. But twice in one day? John has never had to deal with Google twice in one day before. They could lose him forever. It would have to be a last, absolutely final resort.
More books come flying over their heads. The brick-like Whitaker’s catches the leg of the desk and slams loudly to the floor.
‘This is getting pigging serious now,’ says Bob. ‘They’re breaking out the big guns.’
57: A Barrel Sailing Over A Waterfall
Katerina hovers while John drinks the tea she’s made. Her cup is on the desk. She is letting it cool. Garry and Rosalyn have cups too. Garry sips his quietly, but Rosalyn is slurping hers loudly, like only a person who’s lived alone does. Garry beams at her. He finds the noises she makes endearing. This impromptu tea party is a singular point of normality in the timetable of the day’s events. The fact that they are all still at work, well after hours, in various states of shock and confusion is by the by. The tea is a magical elixir, making everything fine for the moment.
John uses the sleeve of Katerina’s cardigan to wipe the teardrop from the horse book. He is relieved to find no permanent damage has been done. The book will still be able to go out into stock, where it will stand spine outwards or maybe even face on, until it is checked out by an adolescent girl. Suddenly self conscious, John shrugs the cardigan off his shoulders and hands it back to Katerina.
‘Thanks. You feeling a bit better?’
John nods. His head hurts. He thinks all the blood vessels have burst. He can feel tiny gunpowder explosions behind his eyes. It’s preventing him from thinking straight. But he does feel a bit better than he did.
Bob, the only one at the tea party not actually drinking tea, paces behind Garry. He is bothered by the fact that Rosalyn is sitting on his desk, and by the presence of Garry in his chair. Bob’s territory is being violated, but he is impotent. He is not himself. He wants to tell Garry to shift, and to shove the hairy bint off so she falls on the floor, but he doesn’t say a word. He can’t even bring himself to glare at Garry. He fixes his eyes on his stapler, marooned in the river of Rosalyn’s hair. It’s like a barrel about to sail over the edge of a waterfall. A hairy, cascading-over-the-desk waterfall.
Katerina catches Bob’s eye and mouths,’Who’s she?’
‘Trouble,’ Bob mouths back, shaking his head.
51: A Cup Of Tea Solves Everything
The lift doors open. Garry strides out, Rosalyn still in his arms. Her shoes clang against the sides on the way out, but she is unconcerned. Garry plops her down on Bob’s desk. She makes a sound like a disturbed goose. It is part-honk, part-squeal. Garry freezes on the spot. He imagines his heart slowly deflating. But then Rosalyn lifts one buttock and pulls a paper knife out from underneath her, and lowers herself back down, smiling. The paper knife is not sharp. It looks like it has been used for cutting something other than paper. And it doesn’t smell right. The smell reminds her of something she can’t quite place. Rosalyn uses the very tip of her index finger to push the weird-smelling paper knife as far away from her as she can. She smiles again at Garry. He smiles back. His heart is fine. His heart is going to be okay.
Bob stands behind Garry. He is flanked by Borrower Who Eats Scotch Eggs At The Computer and Borrower Who Borrows Black Lace Books But Always Puts A War Book On Top. (Who is he trying to kid?) Bob seems to have shrunk. His usually puffed-out chest is not puffed-out at all. The two Borrowers are looking to him for directions, but he is not meeting their eyes. Bob is looking around the room. Bob is staring at the floor.
‘Oi,’ says Garry, ‘get them out of here. This is a Staff Only area.’
Bob nods and sweeps the two Borrowers back out to the front desk. They rejoin the queue. They scratch their heads.
‘Now let’s get you a cup of tea,’ Garry says softly. Rosalyn gazes after him as he heads off towards the kitchen.
Bob stands behind Garry. He is flanked by Borrower Who Eats Scotch Eggs At The Computer and Borrower Who Borrows Black Lace Books But Always Puts A War Book On Top. (Who is he trying to kid?) Bob seems to have shrunk. His usually puffed-out chest is not puffed-out at all. The two Borrowers are looking to him for directions, but he is not meeting their eyes. Bob is looking around the room. Bob is staring at the floor.
‘Oi,’ says Garry, ‘get them out of here. This is a Staff Only area.’
Bob nods and sweeps the two Borrowers back out to the front desk. They rejoin the queue. They scratch their heads.
‘Now let’s get you a cup of tea,’ Garry says softly. Rosalyn gazes after him as he heads off towards the kitchen.
49: That'll Pigging Do, Bob.
Garry is striding through the dark. He can hear Rosalyn keening somewhere over to his left, but something is telling him he must carry straight on. His hands outstretched, they finally come into contact with the wall.
But it isn't just the wall, and the noise isn't just Rosalyn.
Garry stops, and sniffs.
He can smell Brut. And he can hear panting and shuffling.
'Just a little bit more!' someone says. There's a groan, and the noise of something soft and large falling. A torrent of swearing, and then a laugh.
'I'm in!' Bob says, 'for the love of pig!' It worked!
Garry freezes. He can hear Bob picking himself up off the floor. Garry hurries, feeling the strange boxes and levers on the wall in front of him. He will not be robbed of his glory. Today, he thinks, is Garry Day. Garry holds his breath and pulls the levers down.
There is a crackle, a fizz, a pop, and then the electricity hums into life and the basement is flooded with light.
Garry is standing in front of the fuse-boxes. Bob is in front of the lift. There are a couple of borrowers lying on the floor as if they are asleep, scattered at his feet like fallen skittles.
Rosalyn is on her knees. She has her hands over her eyes. The lights haven't been on down here in years, perhaps decades.
'Garry!' Bob says, 'you beauty!'
Garry blinks, his hand still on the levers. He feels something. A strange feeling. It is swelling in his chest. His heart is expanding, getting bigger and bigger. It is making him spread his legs and stand up straighter. He lifts his chin, feeling like a Roman Emperor. He lets go of the levers and puts his hands on his hips.
'That'll do, Bob,' he says, with great dignity. 'I've got everything in hand now.'
Rosalyn stands up, shakes out her hair and walks shakily towards Garry. Garry doesn't notice her. He is too busy Making Eye Contact with Bob.
Bob seems to shrink and crumple. Katerina is shouting down the lift shaft.
'The lights! The lights are back on! The tills are working!' she says. She sounds delirious with happiness, but neither Bob or Garry answer.
Rosalyn leaps towards Garry. She curls her arms around his neck and kisses his cheekbone. She stands on tip-toe and lets her hair tickle his neck.
There are no words to describe Garry's heart now. He has never, ever been kissed before. He thinks about The Staff Manual. Wasn't there something in there about Relationships Between Staff? Some dire consequences?
Rosalyn smells like a grove of citrus trees and he turns and pushes her hair out of her eyes. Garry puts his hand around her waist. In the light, Rosalyn is a very beautiful woman. Rosalyn puts her head in the space between Garry's chin and his chest. She kind of burrows in, as if she doesn't want to look at Bob.
'Garry, you plumb. She's bad news! Leave it alone!' Bob says.
Garry places one arm around Rosalyn's shoulders and points at Bob with the other.
'Oi,' he says. The kiss has made his voice deeper, more manly somehow. Bob shrinks some more, and then nods.
'Lets get back upstairs,' Garry says, and presses the button on the lift, 'come on Bob. This lady,' he lifts Rosalyn and carries her into the lift, 'needs a hot drink, and something to eat.'
'Are you coming up now?' Katerina's voice bounces down the metal tube and booms around them, 'come quick! John's gone mad!'
45: Not Green but Puce: A Story of The Incredible Hulk and the Zombie Borrowers
'You stupid bint!' says Bob, struggling with the doors of the lift. He has them open now, and is holding them apart. There are large sweat patches on his shirt in the shape of continents. Katerina fumbles with the string.
'What?'
'Go and tie it to the edge of the counter. Bring the end over here. Tie it to...' Bob looks around, 'tie it to the edge of that shelf, will you?' he shakes his head. His muscles are trembling. Bob looks like the Incredible Hunk just before he bursts out of his clothes, except not green, but puce.
Katerina knows better than to ask questions. She runs back out into the library and ties the edge of the string to the counter. She nearly slips in the paint and she can hear the sound of something being dragged over the carpet towards the back of the library, but before she can wonder what it is, she hurries to unroll the string behind her. Before she is back near the lift, before she has tied it to the edge of the metal shelving unit, she can hear shuffling.
'The borrowers are coming!' Bob says jubilantly. And he is right.
The borrowers are following the string, holding into it with their hands and shuffling blindly where it leads. Katerina ties the knot quickly.
'Line them up, sugar-breeches,' Bob says, 'think, The Enormous Turnip.'
Katerina pauses. It's getting late, and the sun is going in. The heating in the library isn't working. She's feeling chilly and she wonders about her cardigan, forgets to remember John, and watches the borrowers come edging forwards, wobbling slightly but finally taking their place behind Bob.
'Get a couple on these doors,' Bob grunts, 'and tell the one behind me to hold onto my feet. Lower me down. Human rope. Pigging fantastic!'
38: A Rescue Rope made of Nylon Stockings
Voting is still open for the Kill Someone In Chapter 40 Competition.
'John's not right.' Katerina says, 'look at him.'
Linda looks. John is still on the floor. His muscles are twitching. He can't seem to decide if he wants to keep his eyes open or closed.
'Is it that the electric shock he had, do you think?'
Bob finally rights himself and stands up. He stretches, as if he didn't fall on the floor, but was doing some special back exercise on the carpet.
'Nah,' he says. He raises a hand to clap John on the shoulder, and thinks better of it. He puts his hands in his pockets. 'He's just upset, aren't you John?'
John doesn't answer.
'I think Garry's gone downstairs,' Linda says. 'He isn't in the library. Not unless he's behind a rubber plant.'
'He won't have gone downstairs, will he? No.' Katerina says. She bites her lip and looks at Linda, 'you were the one who volunteered to do his induction.'
'I didn't volunteer,' Linda said, 'I was asked,' she raises an eyebrow and gestures at the ceiling.
'So you should have covered Forbidden and Restricted Areas!' Katerina shouts.
Bob is watching. Bob is hoping the girls are going to get into a cat-fight. He winks at Mike, and John moans slightly.
'Listen,' Mike says, 'he might not be down... there. You never know. He could have gone upstairs. We should split up. Bob's the man for figuring out how to get into the basement without a lift, aren't you Bob?'
Bob feels himself being led, being 'handled', but is too excited about the prospect of swinging down a lift-shaft on a rope made from Katerina's stockings to complain about it. He touches the brim of an imaginary hat. 'I'm onto it,' he says.
'And Linda, you can lead a second party upstairs. Maybe we'll find him there. He's new. He might have wanted to talk to The Boss.' Mike whispers the last two words.
The librarians form themselves into teams. Katerina takes off her cardigan and places it over John's knees. She pushes him backwards slightly so he is leaning against the wall. Then she joins Bob and goes through the main library and the back room where she works (that horse book seems like months ago, rather than just this morning) to examine the lift.
Linda and Mike walk slowly, with trepidation, caution and reluctance, towards the stairs that lead up to the next floor. Mike has realised that while there is no power, there is no revolving door out either. He isn't sure if Linda knows this. He decides not to tell her.
'Let's go and see if he's there,' Mike says. They leave John sitting on the floor. In the main library, someone is ringing a bell, but they ignore it.
'John's not right.' Katerina says, 'look at him.'
Linda looks. John is still on the floor. His muscles are twitching. He can't seem to decide if he wants to keep his eyes open or closed.
'Is it that the electric shock he had, do you think?'
Bob finally rights himself and stands up. He stretches, as if he didn't fall on the floor, but was doing some special back exercise on the carpet.
'Nah,' he says. He raises a hand to clap John on the shoulder, and thinks better of it. He puts his hands in his pockets. 'He's just upset, aren't you John?'
John doesn't answer.
'I think Garry's gone downstairs,' Linda says. 'He isn't in the library. Not unless he's behind a rubber plant.'
'He won't have gone downstairs, will he? No.' Katerina says. She bites her lip and looks at Linda, 'you were the one who volunteered to do his induction.'
'I didn't volunteer,' Linda said, 'I was asked,' she raises an eyebrow and gestures at the ceiling.
'So you should have covered Forbidden and Restricted Areas!' Katerina shouts.
Bob is watching. Bob is hoping the girls are going to get into a cat-fight. He winks at Mike, and John moans slightly.
'Listen,' Mike says, 'he might not be down... there. You never know. He could have gone upstairs. We should split up. Bob's the man for figuring out how to get into the basement without a lift, aren't you Bob?'
Bob feels himself being led, being 'handled', but is too excited about the prospect of swinging down a lift-shaft on a rope made from Katerina's stockings to complain about it. He touches the brim of an imaginary hat. 'I'm onto it,' he says.
'And Linda, you can lead a second party upstairs. Maybe we'll find him there. He's new. He might have wanted to talk to The Boss.' Mike whispers the last two words.
The librarians form themselves into teams. Katerina takes off her cardigan and places it over John's knees. She pushes him backwards slightly so he is leaning against the wall. Then she joins Bob and goes through the main library and the back room where she works (that horse book seems like months ago, rather than just this morning) to examine the lift.
Linda and Mike walk slowly, with trepidation, caution and reluctance, towards the stairs that lead up to the next floor. Mike has realised that while there is no power, there is no revolving door out either. He isn't sure if Linda knows this. He decides not to tell her.
'Let's go and see if he's there,' Mike says. They leave John sitting on the floor. In the main library, someone is ringing a bell, but they ignore it.
36: A Charred Man, but a Man all the Same
Katerina watches as Bob lies on his back. He is trying to get up, but at the moment, he is looking more like a turtle that has been rolled over onto its shell. Ugh. So undignified.
Katerina glances at John. John is clawing at the side of his face, and whimpering. She feels a stab of pity. She never knew John was so strong, so brave. She doesn't know exactly what sent him doo-lally this time, but she knows a man who is willing to fight for something he believes in is a rare thing.
Mike sits up, bumps his head on the underside of the desk and removes the last key from between his teeth.
'It's a power cut,' he says, 'an overload. I can fix it. Don't worry.'
'Are you all right?' Linda asks, ' I think I'm going to need to get the First Aid Box. Shut that door, Katerina. We don't want Complaining Borrower to see this. He'd have a field day.'
Katerina shuts the door.
'Wait,' she says, her hand still on the handle, 'listen. The music has stopped.'
Linda looks at her. Out of habit, she reaches for her special green bottle, but it isn't there.
'Where's Garry?' she says, trembling.
Katerina glances at John. John is clawing at the side of his face, and whimpering. She feels a stab of pity. She never knew John was so strong, so brave. She doesn't know exactly what sent him doo-lally this time, but she knows a man who is willing to fight for something he believes in is a rare thing.
Mike sits up, bumps his head on the underside of the desk and removes the last key from between his teeth.
'It's a power cut,' he says, 'an overload. I can fix it. Don't worry.'
'Are you all right?' Linda asks, ' I think I'm going to need to get the First Aid Box. Shut that door, Katerina. We don't want Complaining Borrower to see this. He'd have a field day.'
Katerina shuts the door.
'Wait,' she says, her hand still on the handle, 'listen. The music has stopped.'
Linda looks at her. Out of habit, she reaches for her special green bottle, but it isn't there.
'Where's Garry?' she says, trembling.
35: Sweetcheeks
This is the second part of Duncan Cheshire's submission. Thanks Duncan!
John stops screaming and swears profusely. John never swears. Holding his hand to the side of his face he looks around and sees Mike dragging himself under a desk. John growls and lunging forward, grabs Mike's ankle and pulls him out. Snatching up a keyboard, he brings it down across Mike's head, keys flying everywhere from the shattered board.
Mike slumps to the ground. John, the side of his face smouldering, rolls Mike onto his back and snatches up a handful of the loose keys.
John's eyes are blank. He doesn't recognise them, not even Katerina.
"Do something!" Katerina shakes Bob's arm, holding onto him for a little longer than absolutely necessary.
"Don't worry, sweetcheeks, I'll look after him", Bob flexes his knees and steps towards John.
Bob moves closer to John, staying just out of reach, and then lunges, trying to rugby tackle him head on. John dips his shoulder imperceptibly as Bob tackles him and then lifts his body up and back and Bob flies through the air, completely upended, and crashes into the wall and slumps into a heap.
John brings his hand down, past the broken wires from the keyboardless computer and something happens. A bolt of electricity leaps from the exposed wires to John's hand, causing him to convulse and shriek before flinging him to the floor. The lights in the room grow brighter for a second and then go off, along with everything else, all the computer screens going blank.
The music stops.
31: Angry Library Music
Katerina is disappointed in Bob. She notices how Bob takes The Complaining Borrower to one side and starts pointing out special features in the barricade. The way the books intersect at the corners. The way the pink covers of the romance novels and the brown and white covers of the westerns intersect in pleasing ways, like tiles on a roof. Someone has bolstered the very top of the barricade with a double row of hard-back, large-print Crime novels.
Bob, she realises, is claiming all this work as his own. Bob is totally ignoring her. Bob thinks he is standing in his own back garden, pointing out the special features of his new garden shed to his next-door neighbour. Bob is showing someone the insides of his car. The 'Kit-Kat' period was short and sweet and now, she realises, it is over.
What went wrong?
Katerina is wondering why Bob thinks they need a barricade. She is wondering why they would want to stop people from coming into the library. She is wondering if Bob is expecting an Attack of some kind. She is thinking about all this while Linda is trying to get Bob's attention. Bob is ignoring her too. Linda is complaining about Manning the Defences. She is quoting the Equality and Diversity Policy. She is telling Bob that it really should be 'Personning The Defences.'
Then the music changes. It moves from strings to percussion. It sounds like a bin-bag full of saucepans being thrown down a flight of concrete steps. It is hard to talk on top of the music. Bob turns quickly. She can read his lips.
'Pigging Hell!' he is saying, 'Get under the pigging counter!'
Complaining Borrower grabs Katerina's arm. Bob grabs Linda's arm. They run across the library and crouch under the counter. It smells of printer toner and newspaper under there. The carpet is much cleaner there than anywhere else in the library.
The music is booming. Parts of it are like the sound that the tins tied to the back of a 'Just Married' car make as they bump and spark along the tarmac when the car drives away. Off to a hotel for a Honeymoon.
Honeymoon. Katerina frowns. Why doesn't anyone want to go on a Honeymoon with her? Why do Men never text her back? Why are there never any second dates? Why does it stop with a slap on the bum in the middle of barricade building? Emergencies are supposed to bring people closer together. This could have been her chance. The music is reminding Katerina of all her rejections, all her lost opportunities and disappointments. These men do nothing but stamp all over her dreams.
'Where's John?' Katerina asks. She looks at Linda, but Linda is looking in the pockets of her dungarees for her green bottle.
'Bob?' Bob is making gun shapes with his fingers and covering himself as he peeps over the counter.
The music is so loud now that the books start to fall off the shelves. The barricade is holding, for now.
Bob, she realises, is claiming all this work as his own. Bob is totally ignoring her. Bob thinks he is standing in his own back garden, pointing out the special features of his new garden shed to his next-door neighbour. Bob is showing someone the insides of his car. The 'Kit-Kat' period was short and sweet and now, she realises, it is over.
What went wrong?
Katerina is wondering why Bob thinks they need a barricade. She is wondering why they would want to stop people from coming into the library. She is wondering if Bob is expecting an Attack of some kind. She is thinking about all this while Linda is trying to get Bob's attention. Bob is ignoring her too. Linda is complaining about Manning the Defences. She is quoting the Equality and Diversity Policy. She is telling Bob that it really should be 'Personning The Defences.'
Then the music changes. It moves from strings to percussion. It sounds like a bin-bag full of saucepans being thrown down a flight of concrete steps. It is hard to talk on top of the music. Bob turns quickly. She can read his lips.
'Pigging Hell!' he is saying, 'Get under the pigging counter!'
Complaining Borrower grabs Katerina's arm. Bob grabs Linda's arm. They run across the library and crouch under the counter. It smells of printer toner and newspaper under there. The carpet is much cleaner there than anywhere else in the library.
The music is booming. Parts of it are like the sound that the tins tied to the back of a 'Just Married' car make as they bump and spark along the tarmac when the car drives away. Off to a hotel for a Honeymoon.
Honeymoon. Katerina frowns. Why doesn't anyone want to go on a Honeymoon with her? Why do Men never text her back? Why are there never any second dates? Why does it stop with a slap on the bum in the middle of barricade building? Emergencies are supposed to bring people closer together. This could have been her chance. The music is reminding Katerina of all her rejections, all her lost opportunities and disappointments. These men do nothing but stamp all over her dreams.
'Where's John?' Katerina asks. She looks at Linda, but Linda is looking in the pockets of her dungarees for her green bottle.
'Bob?' Bob is making gun shapes with his fingers and covering himself as he peeps over the counter.
The music is so loud now that the books start to fall off the shelves. The barricade is holding, for now.
List Of Chapters
1: 146 Books About Hearts
2: Face Fascists
3: Barcodes
4: Restricted Items
5: Night Eyes
6: Induction
7: 500 Squat Thrusts A Day
8: Green Hair Ribbon
9: 'Existential Crisis'
10: Dirty Shit
11: The Enquiry
12: 78 Rubber Plant Leaves
13: No 'Gun' At All
14: Bob's Peak Peaks
15: This Is More Than Stab-proof Underwear And Glory
16: Now We Have The Internet Librarians Are Going Extinct
17: A Hankering For Pernod
18: The Boy With A Glockenspiel Spine
19: A Message From The Boss
20: The Music Of Lemons
"Commercial Break"
21: Lunch Break
22: Staff Manual
23: The Squid And The Quail
24: Risk Assessment (Google)
25: The Dewey Chakra
26: The Power Of The Pink Wall
27: Working Towards The Same Goal
28: I Used To Work In An Office But I'm All Right Now
29: Forbidden Areas
30: Basement Rapunzel Vibrates Lemon. Angry Penguin Watches On Disgruntled Skateboard. Red Gloves Receive Tune Of Rage
31: Angry Library Music
32: Treason
33: A Number all of His Own
34: Meanwhile, Down in the Basement
35: Sweetcheeks
36: A Charred Man, But a Man all The Same
37: When the Music's Over, Turn Out The Lights
38: A Rescue Rope Made Of Nylon Stockings
39: A Head In The Clouds
40: Adjacent To Miss World
41: Onwards And Upwards
42: Rosalyn Versus The Stranger
43: Big Ball Of String
44: Dead Zone
45: Not Green But Puce: A Story of The Incredible Hulk and the Zombie Borrowers
46: Today Is Not A Good Day To Die
Audience Participation
47: An Orphaned Ice Skater
48: A Genius, A Superhero, And A Dream Of Keyboard Shortcuts
49: That'll Pigging Do Bob
50: It's Me, Katerina
51: A Cup Of Tea Solves Everything
52: Something Nasty In The Library
53: An Army Of Borrowers
54: Dealing With Borrowers
55: The One True Grail
56: Paper Roses, Only Imitation, Just Like Your Imitation Love, For Me
57: A Barrel Sailing Over A Waterfall
58: Relationships Between Staff
59: Hive Mind Hatches A Plan
60: Three Scotch Eggs, Inalienable Rights and A Great Wrong
61: Breaking Out The Big Guns
62: A Smile To Give You Tumours
63: This Isn't War, It's Love
64: The Thin Grey Line
65: Search And Rescue
66: The Lingering Smell Of Sellotape
2: Face Fascists
3: Barcodes
4: Restricted Items
5: Night Eyes
6: Induction
7: 500 Squat Thrusts A Day
8: Green Hair Ribbon
9: 'Existential Crisis'
10: Dirty Shit
11: The Enquiry
12: 78 Rubber Plant Leaves
13: No 'Gun' At All
14: Bob's Peak Peaks
15: This Is More Than Stab-proof Underwear And Glory
16: Now We Have The Internet Librarians Are Going Extinct
17: A Hankering For Pernod
18: The Boy With A Glockenspiel Spine
19: A Message From The Boss
20: The Music Of Lemons
"Commercial Break"
21: Lunch Break
22: Staff Manual
23: The Squid And The Quail
24: Risk Assessment (Google)
25: The Dewey Chakra
26: The Power Of The Pink Wall
27: Working Towards The Same Goal
28: I Used To Work In An Office But I'm All Right Now
29: Forbidden Areas
30: Basement Rapunzel Vibrates Lemon. Angry Penguin Watches On Disgruntled Skateboard. Red Gloves Receive Tune Of Rage
31: Angry Library Music
32: Treason
33: A Number all of His Own
34: Meanwhile, Down in the Basement
35: Sweetcheeks
36: A Charred Man, But a Man all The Same
37: When the Music's Over, Turn Out The Lights
38: A Rescue Rope Made Of Nylon Stockings
39: A Head In The Clouds
40: Adjacent To Miss World
41: Onwards And Upwards
42: Rosalyn Versus The Stranger
43: Big Ball Of String
44: Dead Zone
45: Not Green But Puce: A Story of The Incredible Hulk and the Zombie Borrowers
46: Today Is Not A Good Day To Die
Audience Participation
47: An Orphaned Ice Skater
48: A Genius, A Superhero, And A Dream Of Keyboard Shortcuts
49: That'll Pigging Do Bob
50: It's Me, Katerina
51: A Cup Of Tea Solves Everything
52: Something Nasty In The Library
53: An Army Of Borrowers
54: Dealing With Borrowers
55: The One True Grail
56: Paper Roses, Only Imitation, Just Like Your Imitation Love, For Me
57: A Barrel Sailing Over A Waterfall
58: Relationships Between Staff
59: Hive Mind Hatches A Plan
60: Three Scotch Eggs, Inalienable Rights and A Great Wrong
61: Breaking Out The Big Guns
62: A Smile To Give You Tumours
63: This Isn't War, It's Love
64: The Thin Grey Line
65: Search And Rescue
66: The Lingering Smell Of Sellotape
27: Working Towards The Same Goal
Bob knows he must Keep His Cool if any of them are going to survive this. He catches Linda on her way past and helps himself to the gin she’s carrying, taking a big swig before handing it back with a wink. He breathes out through his nose. He is In Control again.
Where are my men?! he shouts. Where is my pigging team?
Linda and Katerina turn to face him. John and Garry are still AWOL. The girls will have to do.
The borrower who writes all the letters of complaint ambles over to join them. For once he is not complaining. The music seems to have subdued him. He offers himself as a willing helper. Bob gives him the once-over, and, satisfied that he is (a) male and (b) has decent biceps, he slaps him on the back and puts him to work with Linda and Katerina on Manning The Defences.
Linda is still thinking about the instructions from The Boss. She can’t quite figure out who’s meant to escape, but she carries on stacking the books on the chairs anyway. She is certain that it isn’t any of them, otherwise, surely they would have just Exited The Library In An Orderly Fashion when the noise started. She hopes she hasn’t got it wrong. As the Health And Safety Warden, it would have been her job to make sure that happened. But then Bob took charge. She couldn’t stop him. And her job is to Keep Everyone Safe, and that seems to be what Bob is trying to do. She takes a gulp of the gin and picks up some more books, satisfied that they are all Working Towards The Same Goal.
Bob stops to take stock of the situation. The barricade is more than adequate, he thinks. No one is getting in or out. Not on my watch. The noise doesn’t show any signs of abating, but this doesn’t trouble Bob. He is at his peak, after all. This couldn’t have come at a better time. He puffs out his chest and listens to the music, he listens hard. He is invincible, he thinks, he is God.
Where are my men?! he shouts. Where is my pigging team?
Linda and Katerina turn to face him. John and Garry are still AWOL. The girls will have to do.
The borrower who writes all the letters of complaint ambles over to join them. For once he is not complaining. The music seems to have subdued him. He offers himself as a willing helper. Bob gives him the once-over, and, satisfied that he is (a) male and (b) has decent biceps, he slaps him on the back and puts him to work with Linda and Katerina on Manning The Defences.
Linda is still thinking about the instructions from The Boss. She can’t quite figure out who’s meant to escape, but she carries on stacking the books on the chairs anyway. She is certain that it isn’t any of them, otherwise, surely they would have just Exited The Library In An Orderly Fashion when the noise started. She hopes she hasn’t got it wrong. As the Health And Safety Warden, it would have been her job to make sure that happened. But then Bob took charge. She couldn’t stop him. And her job is to Keep Everyone Safe, and that seems to be what Bob is trying to do. She takes a gulp of the gin and picks up some more books, satisfied that they are all Working Towards The Same Goal.
Bob stops to take stock of the situation. The barricade is more than adequate, he thinks. No one is getting in or out. Not on my watch. The noise doesn’t show any signs of abating, but this doesn’t trouble Bob. He is at his peak, after all. This couldn’t have come at a better time. He puffs out his chest and listens to the music, he listens hard. He is invincible, he thinks, he is God.
26: The Power of The Pink Wall
Kit-Kat! Kit-Kat!
Katerina’s ears prick up and she forgets what just happened in the Computer Room. She hurries towards Bob and the barricade. She feels a glow of pride at the wall of Mills and Boons she’s personally carried over and stacked together. It is a wall of pink, full of silly romance and dashing heroes, but with the noise, this wall has started to throb, too, and Katerina begins to understand it has a power of its own.
Bob’s in control of all of this, Katerina thinks. She knows if she sticks by him, she will be okay. She carries on piling up books, more westerns this time, with their tales of renegade sharp-shooters and dusty bars spilling over into her subconscious.
Good girl! Bob says, slapping her bum. Normally, this kind of thing would make Katerina explode, but she finds herself giggling instead. She thinks about Bob’s big hands, Bob’s big manly hands, and stops what she’s doing to watch him. He is masterfully using the sellotape as a rope, binding the chairs together into the greatest barricade ever. Katerina feels safe. Below the hum of the noise, the books are imprinting a story in her mind. It is a story of an independent woman who was unhappy until she finally submitted to the love of a powerful man.
The smell of fresh sweat wafts over to Katerina from Bob’s armpits. She flicks her hair and tries to catch his eye, but he is consumed by the Task At Hand and fails to notice. She grabs another armful of Mills and Boons and moves closer to Bob. She lowers them slowly, sensually onto the growing pile already on the chair in front of him. She has Bob’s attention now, she thinks. She can feel his eyes burning through the soft fabric of her skirt.
Katerina’s ears prick up and she forgets what just happened in the Computer Room. She hurries towards Bob and the barricade. She feels a glow of pride at the wall of Mills and Boons she’s personally carried over and stacked together. It is a wall of pink, full of silly romance and dashing heroes, but with the noise, this wall has started to throb, too, and Katerina begins to understand it has a power of its own.
Bob’s in control of all of this, Katerina thinks. She knows if she sticks by him, she will be okay. She carries on piling up books, more westerns this time, with their tales of renegade sharp-shooters and dusty bars spilling over into her subconscious.
Good girl! Bob says, slapping her bum. Normally, this kind of thing would make Katerina explode, but she finds herself giggling instead. She thinks about Bob’s big hands, Bob’s big manly hands, and stops what she’s doing to watch him. He is masterfully using the sellotape as a rope, binding the chairs together into the greatest barricade ever. Katerina feels safe. Below the hum of the noise, the books are imprinting a story in her mind. It is a story of an independent woman who was unhappy until she finally submitted to the love of a powerful man.
The smell of fresh sweat wafts over to Katerina from Bob’s armpits. She flicks her hair and tries to catch his eye, but he is consumed by the Task At Hand and fails to notice. She grabs another armful of Mills and Boons and moves closer to Bob. She lowers them slowly, sensually onto the growing pile already on the chair in front of him. She has Bob’s attention now, she thinks. She can feel his eyes burning through the soft fabric of her skirt.
19: A Message From the Boss
Linda is coming down in the lift. She is leaning her head against the doors of the lift. They are cool. They are helping her to think. She's just seen The Boss, 'in person' for the second time in her life. The first time Linda saw the boss, she started bringing alcohol into work. Now there's been a second time, she think she might need to stop.
The doors open and she walks out into the library. Her legs are shaking so much that the carpet doesn't feel like carpet at all, but the surface of a large sponge cake.
Bob is using sellotape like rope, and is tying the legs of the plastic chairs together. He's arranging the chairs in a long line in front of the doors. Katerina is lifting piles of westerns and Mills and Boons from the shelves and stacking them on the chairs. They are making, Linda realises, Some Kind Of Barricade.
Linda needs John. John is leaning against one of the windows. He is breathing on the window and drawing hearts and arrows into the condensation. Every time Bob shouts a command or an instruction, John flinches. He is humming, and he looks happy. Linda wants to crash through the sellotape-chairs-paperbacks barrier and escape into the world outside. She wants to breathe in the traffic-and-chips scented air outside the library. She wants to know she will never, ever have to burp alka-seltzer when she is singing 'Head Shoulders Knees and Toes' ever again.
'John,' - Linda says. John turns and looks at her. He smiles, and Linda thinks, for one second, he is going to hug her.
'John,' she says again, because he is turning back to the window. 'I need your help. I've had a message from the boss.'
John pulls himself upright, looks over his shoulder at Bob, Garry and Katerina, who are still building the barricade, and coughs.
'You went up there?' Linda nods. 'Do you need a chair? Shall I get you some ice?'
'I've got a message,' she says again, 'could be some instructions.'
'Okay,' he says. 'What is it?'
'793.809,' says Linda.
She is reading the numbers from the back of her hand. Some of them are smudged, but her hands were trembling when she wrote them down. She can't be blamed. No-one else was going to go up there for instructions, were they? John closes his eyes. Linda wonders what he is doing. She wonders if his mind is full of Browne cards and filing cabinets. John inhales sharply and opens his eyes.
'Escape and escapology. Give me the next one.'
'793.73.'
John laughs. 'That one's easy,' he says. 'Puzzles and mazes. What's next?'
'301.113.'
John takes a long time to answer. Linda looks at him carefully. He is frowning gently, and his nose is twitching. Perhaps the answer isn't in his head, Linda thinks. Perhaps he is sniffing it out of the air. Linda counts in her head. She gets to twenty eight and John still doesn't answer.
'Do you know, John?' she asks, 'we can Google it, if you like?'
John looks at her. He opens his mouth, and closes it again. Linda puts her hands up. She is scared. She forgot about John and Google.
'Sorry, sorry John. I forgot. I just forgot. It's this music,' she waves her arms, 'I'm dehydrated, it's the stress.'
A few years ago, there was an incident with John and Google. Now no-one is supposed to mention it to him. No-one is supposed to even use the word in his hearing. Linda made the addition to the Staff Manual herself. She thumps herself on the side of the head. She, of all people, should have known better.
'Keep it together, John - come on now.'
'Loneliness,' John says. 'That's what it is.'
'What?'
'301.113. It's loneliness.'
'Right.' Linda is looking puzzled. The messages from The Boss usually make some kind of sense. Perhaps the music is affecting her too.
Katerina has stopped carrying books and comes over to stand by John.
'Do you really know the whole of Dewey off by heart?' she says. She breathes out between a gap in her front teeth. Her breathing sounds almost admiring. Linda wonders if John is concentrating, or just swaying for the sake of it.
'Don't distract him,' Linda says, 'there's two more, John, are you up to it?
John waves his hands, and keeps his eyes closed.
'Give them to me,' he says, 'while I'm in the zone.'
'Okay. 621.38454. Five decimal places, John. I'm sorry. Can you do it?'
John waves his hands in the air, as if the answer is floating by him. He inhales deeply. He tugs the hair at the back of his neck. Katerina looks at him.
'John,' she says, 'we're depending on you. I know you can do it.'
Linda repeats the number. There is a crash from by the non-revolving doors.
'Citizen's band pigging radio!' Bob shouts, and bounds over. He is sweating heavily, but suddenly, Katerina doesn't seem to mind. 'Citizen's band radio!' he shouts again. 'Come on, Kit-Kat, we need you over here at the main defences.'
Katerina and Bob hurry away. John opens his eyes and crumples against the wall. Linda pats him on the arm.
'Five decimals, John - you can't blame yourself. You're not a machine.'
'What's the last one, Linda?' John asks. His voice sounds soft and hollow, because his chin is on his chest and his shoulders are slumped.
'It's, well, it's 331.137,' Linda says, hesitantly. 'I know that one.'
'Yes,' John says. 'Unemployment. We'd better tell the others. But first, if you don't mind, I'd like a moment alone.'
John turns away. He pulls the cuffs of his jumper over his hands, cups them over his mouth, and screams into them. Then he blunders away, towards the Computer Room.
The doors open and she walks out into the library. Her legs are shaking so much that the carpet doesn't feel like carpet at all, but the surface of a large sponge cake.
Bob is using sellotape like rope, and is tying the legs of the plastic chairs together. He's arranging the chairs in a long line in front of the doors. Katerina is lifting piles of westerns and Mills and Boons from the shelves and stacking them on the chairs. They are making, Linda realises, Some Kind Of Barricade.
Linda needs John. John is leaning against one of the windows. He is breathing on the window and drawing hearts and arrows into the condensation. Every time Bob shouts a command or an instruction, John flinches. He is humming, and he looks happy. Linda wants to crash through the sellotape-chairs-paperbacks barrier and escape into the world outside. She wants to breathe in the traffic-and-chips scented air outside the library. She wants to know she will never, ever have to burp alka-seltzer when she is singing 'Head Shoulders Knees and Toes' ever again.
'John,' - Linda says. John turns and looks at her. He smiles, and Linda thinks, for one second, he is going to hug her.
'John,' she says again, because he is turning back to the window. 'I need your help. I've had a message from the boss.'
John pulls himself upright, looks over his shoulder at Bob, Garry and Katerina, who are still building the barricade, and coughs.
'You went up there?' Linda nods. 'Do you need a chair? Shall I get you some ice?'
'I've got a message,' she says again, 'could be some instructions.'
'Okay,' he says. 'What is it?'
'793.809,' says Linda.
She is reading the numbers from the back of her hand. Some of them are smudged, but her hands were trembling when she wrote them down. She can't be blamed. No-one else was going to go up there for instructions, were they? John closes his eyes. Linda wonders what he is doing. She wonders if his mind is full of Browne cards and filing cabinets. John inhales sharply and opens his eyes.
'Escape and escapology. Give me the next one.'
'793.73.'
John laughs. 'That one's easy,' he says. 'Puzzles and mazes. What's next?'
'301.113.'
John takes a long time to answer. Linda looks at him carefully. He is frowning gently, and his nose is twitching. Perhaps the answer isn't in his head, Linda thinks. Perhaps he is sniffing it out of the air. Linda counts in her head. She gets to twenty eight and John still doesn't answer.
'Do you know, John?' she asks, 'we can Google it, if you like?'
John looks at her. He opens his mouth, and closes it again. Linda puts her hands up. She is scared. She forgot about John and Google.
'Sorry, sorry John. I forgot. I just forgot. It's this music,' she waves her arms, 'I'm dehydrated, it's the stress.'
A few years ago, there was an incident with John and Google. Now no-one is supposed to mention it to him. No-one is supposed to even use the word in his hearing. Linda made the addition to the Staff Manual herself. She thumps herself on the side of the head. She, of all people, should have known better.
'Keep it together, John - come on now.'
'Loneliness,' John says. 'That's what it is.'
'What?'
'301.113. It's loneliness.'
'Right.' Linda is looking puzzled. The messages from The Boss usually make some kind of sense. Perhaps the music is affecting her too.
Katerina has stopped carrying books and comes over to stand by John.
'Do you really know the whole of Dewey off by heart?' she says. She breathes out between a gap in her front teeth. Her breathing sounds almost admiring. Linda wonders if John is concentrating, or just swaying for the sake of it.
'Don't distract him,' Linda says, 'there's two more, John, are you up to it?
John waves his hands, and keeps his eyes closed.
'Give them to me,' he says, 'while I'm in the zone.'
'Okay. 621.38454. Five decimal places, John. I'm sorry. Can you do it?'
John waves his hands in the air, as if the answer is floating by him. He inhales deeply. He tugs the hair at the back of his neck. Katerina looks at him.
'John,' she says, 'we're depending on you. I know you can do it.'
Linda repeats the number. There is a crash from by the non-revolving doors.
'Citizen's band pigging radio!' Bob shouts, and bounds over. He is sweating heavily, but suddenly, Katerina doesn't seem to mind. 'Citizen's band radio!' he shouts again. 'Come on, Kit-Kat, we need you over here at the main defences.'
Katerina and Bob hurry away. John opens his eyes and crumples against the wall. Linda pats him on the arm.
'Five decimals, John - you can't blame yourself. You're not a machine.'
'What's the last one, Linda?' John asks. His voice sounds soft and hollow, because his chin is on his chest and his shoulders are slumped.
'It's, well, it's 331.137,' Linda says, hesitantly. 'I know that one.'
'Yes,' John says. 'Unemployment. We'd better tell the others. But first, if you don't mind, I'd like a moment alone.'
John turns away. He pulls the cuffs of his jumper over his hands, cups them over his mouth, and screams into them. Then he blunders away, towards the Computer Room.
18: The Boy With A Glockenspiel Spine
John is concerned. John doesn’t quite know how he feels about being trapped in the library. Every time he tries to think about it, the music seeps into his brain and makes him forget what it was he was trying to think. He feels like someone has spilled correction fluid over the book of him, and all the facts of Who He Is and What He Wants have all been erased. He hopes it isn’t permanent. He thinks.
He is still staring at the revolving doors. The revolving doors that aren’t actually revolving anymore. He wonders if they are still called ‘revolving doors’ after the emergency stop button has been pressed and they have ground to a halt. He wonders if they are just ‘doors’ now.
The revolving door was invented in 1888 by Theophilus von Kammel.
This fact presents itself from somewhere deep in John’s brain. And then there is just the music again, such lovely music.
John imagines the life he will live inside the library perimeter with Katerina. Until now, he has always been a man of words, but he knows he will hunt and forage for this woman if he has to. He will crawl on his knees to let her know he means business, that he is as much of a man as Bob is. He feels the music creep along his vertebrae as he lowers himself to the floor. He sounds like a glockenspiel. My bones are becoming one with the music, John thinks. He wonders if there is a name for that.
He can see Katerina across the library. She is smiling in a way that says, I Love You John, I Love Only You. This plays to the tune of Three Blind Mice along John’s spine.
John knows he is still a book, deep down. But now he feels like the book has hollow parts, and he can’t quite remember what was in those spaces. The music echoes through the emptiness inside him, banging into childish drawings of hearts and half-remembered lists of Edible Plants Of The British Isles.
John! What the pigging hell are you doing down on all fours!? Get up you great lump!
John’s music stops for a second as he registers Bob’s voice, but he finds it hard to focus on the sweaty man in front of him. He wants to sink back down into the part of the book where there is a nice picture of blackberries, but Bob grabs him under the armpits and yanks him upwards.
14: Bob's Peak Peaks
Bob had followed Katerina out of the new books room as soon as he'd heard the noise. He pushed past the whelp from Ref and glanced at the new guy, who was walking towards them with a wide, vacant eyed smile plastered over his face.
Bob knew what was going on. He grabbed his socks and leapt into action. He was scared. He was excited. He was fully trained. He was at his peak. He knew he only reached his peak once or twice a year. He knew none of the others would know how lucky they were that his peak had peaked on the day of the noise.
'Shut the doors,' he says to Linda, who is still tugging at John's arm. Linda looks at him. She is smiling too. They are all smiling. There are a few borrowers wandering about, looking for someone to be in charge, looking, maybe, for the source of the noise so they can lay their heads against it and go to sleep forever. The new guy actually has tears in his eyes. Somewhere over to his left, Katerina is giggling.
'Shut the doors!' he shouts - 'seal the pigging building. Get the borrowers out. Are the Book Group still here?'
Bob looks around him. He gestures with his hands. He points towards the doors. No-one moves and the noise still continues.
'John, you plum.' John looks at Bob. He focuses on his face, but only very slowly, as if he is drunk. 'John, get those doors. There's no time for evacuation now. We have to seal off the perimeter and do a head count later. Find out who we've got. What provisions we have.'
John steps towards the doors hesitantly. There is a big red button at the side of the electrical box that works the revolving mechanism. It is for use in an emergency only. John stares at it for a second or two, as if he is trying to figure out how it works.
'Press it, John.' Bob says. He says it 'grimly', or 'balefully.'
'Garry, get yourself over here. You're new, but you'll do. What's in that bag?'
Bob gathers his men around him. His team. His troop. He nods at them, and bends to put his socks back on. They aren't much, but they're all he's got.
John presses the button and the doors stop revolving.
10: Dirty Shit
Bob paces around the New Books and Cataloguing Room seven times, swinging his arms. He hefts the complete Britannica - the volumes equally divided between each hand, over his head. He holds them, his muscles trembling, for a full minute this time. He places them back on the shelf.
His morning reps. are done and dusted now, and he's feeling pigging great. Great. He wants to roar, but the last time he tried it he got in trouble.
He pulls open the bottom drawer of his desk. He opens his camo-print soap-bag. He sprays Brut down the neck of his shirt in the direction of his armpits. He flaps his arms like a chicken and winks over his shoulder at Katerina. She is ignoring him again. He takes off his shoes and socks and delves deeper into his soap-bag. Where are the pigging toenail clippers?
He leans over and takes a paper knife from Katerina's desk and uses it to saw at the yellow rinds of his big toe-nails. Finally, the silly bint looks up.
You're a dirty shit, do you know that Bob?
What he says, cupping one hand around his ear. I didn't hear you love. Speak a bit louder the next time, eh?
I said, you're a - never mind. She huffs and turns her chair sideways so she can't see him.
Bob laughs. He is in peak physical condition. He is on top of the world. Nothing can touch him. Nothing.
His morning reps. are done and dusted now, and he's feeling pigging great. Great. He wants to roar, but the last time he tried it he got in trouble.
He pulls open the bottom drawer of his desk. He opens his camo-print soap-bag. He sprays Brut down the neck of his shirt in the direction of his armpits. He flaps his arms like a chicken and winks over his shoulder at Katerina. She is ignoring him again. He takes off his shoes and socks and delves deeper into his soap-bag. Where are the pigging toenail clippers?
He leans over and takes a paper knife from Katerina's desk and uses it to saw at the yellow rinds of his big toe-nails. Finally, the silly bint looks up.
You're a dirty shit, do you know that Bob?
What he says, cupping one hand around his ear. I didn't hear you love. Speak a bit louder the next time, eh?
I said, you're a - never mind. She huffs and turns her chair sideways so she can't see him.
Bob laughs. He is in peak physical condition. He is on top of the world. Nothing can touch him. Nothing.
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